You know the coffee cup.
You made it hours ago. You reheated it once. Maybe twice. You carried it from room to room all morning. Right now, it is sitting on the counter, half cold, next to a sticky note, three pill bottles, a school paper, and the charger you have been looking for since Tuesday.
Welcome to caregiving after brain injury.
Caregivers do a thousand things every day that nobody sees.
You remember appointments. You repeat instructions. You help manage medications, moods, paperwork, transportation, routines, school meetings, insurance calls, forgotten passwords, forgotten appointments, forgotten where-they-put-their-phone-this-time.
You keep everyone else going.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, you stop asking yourself what you need.
Because there is always one more thing to do. Another phone call. Another form. Another person who needs you before you even have a chance to sit down.
Many caregivers become so used to being “the strong one” that they forget they are allowed to be tired.
But brain injury changes life for caregivers, too.
It changes routines, relationships, plans, jobs, finances, family roles, and the future you thought you were going to have. It can be lonely, frustrating, overwhelming, heartbreaking, and exhausting.
Sometimes all before 9:00 a.m.
You may love the person you are caring for with your whole heart and still feel angry, sad, resentful, guilty, lonely, scared, or completely worn out.
That does not make you a bad caregiver.
It makes you a human being.
Caregivers often tell themselves:
- “I should be able to handle this.”
- “Other people have it worse.”
- “I don’t want to complain.”
- “I just need to try harder.”
But if someone you loved was carrying everything you are carrying, would you tell them to just keep pushing through?
Probably not.
You would tell them…
- They deserve support.
- They do not have to do this alone.
You deserve that, too.
The hard part is that caregivers are often the last people to ask for help. Sometimes guilt gets in the way. Sometimes it is pride. Sometimes you are so busy taking care of everyone else that you do not realize how empty you are running until you are crying in the Target parking lot because they were out of the right kind of cereal.
Here are a few signs you might need support, too:
- You feel lonely, even when you are surrounded by people
- You are running on cold coffee, pure stubbornness, and whatever snack you found in the bottom of your purse
- You cannot remember the last time you did something just for yourself
- You feel like nobody understands what your life is really like
- You cry in the car, the shower, the laundry room, or, for reasons no one fully understands, the Target parking lot
- You are always “fine,” but you are definitely not fine
If any of that sounds familiar, you are not failing.
You are carrying a lot.
And you do not have to carry it alone.
That is where caregiver peer mentorship comes in.
A caregiver peer mentor is someone who has been there. Another spouse, parent, adult child, sibling, or caregiver who understands what it is like to love someone with a brain injury and still quietly grieve, worry, juggle, and hold everything together.
You do not have to explain why you are tired or apologize for being frustrated. You do not have to pretend you have it all together when you very clearly do not.
Your mentor already knows what it is like to answer “How are you?” with “Fine,” while mentally keeping track of medications, appointments, whether there is milk in the fridge, and why the smoke detector is suddenly beeping again.
Sometimes talking with another caregiver means sharing practical ideas. A better way to organize medications. A trick for remembering appointments. Advice for surviving a family gathering without losing your mind.
Sometimes it means finally saying the things you have been holding in.
“I miss who we used to be.”
“I am so tired.”
“I do not know how much longer I can do this.”
And instead of hearing, “Stay positive,” or “At least they are okay,” you hear:
“I know.”
“Me too.”
“You are not alone.”
There is something powerful about being seen by someone who understands.
Not because they can fix everything.
But because for a moment, you do not have to be the strong one.
At the Brain Injury Association of Nebraska, our Caregiver Peer Mentorship Program connects caregivers with trained mentors who understand because they have lived it, too.
You do not have to have the right words. You do not have to have it all together. You just get to be the one who is cared for, for a change.
Because you cannot pour from an empty coffee cup.
The Brain Injury Association of Nebraska not only offers information and referral, but case management to find the resources and make positive changes to live a more fulfilling future with better coping strategies as well as memory aids on board. If you or someone you know has lasting effects from a brain injury, please contact us and allow us to offer our services, to find a new normal on this journey where ‘once you’ve seen a brain injury, you’ve seen one brain injury.
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